i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
