i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
