i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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