went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
