I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
