just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
