I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
