Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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