I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
