He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
