What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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