I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Houston, we have a blender
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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