you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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