how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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