He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
