Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
