the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
