i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
