apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
