and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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