At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
