I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
