Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
