I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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