My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
