I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
