I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
