Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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