Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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