I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
