i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
sarcasm needs its own font
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
