worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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