i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
