He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
this is an emotional support booty call
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
