god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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