After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
