I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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