return my video game
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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