First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
