She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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