Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
