he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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