When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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