trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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