...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
