I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
