I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
