Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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