sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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