you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
